I really want a baby
Part 1: FROM BELLY TO BUMP
I’ve been wanting to write my account for a while now. I’m going back to 2012 but my memories are vivid! I didn’t realise how much I actually had to say. I thought about condensing it into one post but then realised what I had to say could potentially be important for others to read. So I split it up into 3 parts.
Part 1: From Belly to much wanted bump
Part 2: THE LABOUR
Part 3: The Birth of a New Chapter
So here goes…
When my partner and I had been together for a couple of years, we knew we wanted it all. You know, marriage, kids and a house. But which order should we do it in? At the age of 29 we came to the conclusion that by the time we had saved up for a wedding and/or a deposit for a house we would both be well into our 30’s. Now, I have nothing against becoming a mother in your late 30’s or early 40’s but, the thought of not being able to have children terrified me. If there was to be a problem conceiving I wanted to have the years to hopefully overcome that. We’re not particularly religious so the whole kids before marriage thing didn’t bother us. Not to mention the undeniable longing I had to be a mum. Hence, we both decided that starting a family was more important to us than a wedding ceremony.
It took us 6 months to conceive. I still remember the day we had a positive test. I had a funny feeling that this was the month. I didn’t want to get my hopes up but still I felt excited. It appeared. That little ‘+’ that carries with it so much emotion. I walked into the kitchen to show my boyfriend and we both froze, no words, just a big smile and disbelief. We were over the moon.
Being a midwife I knew all to well that getting pregnant is just the start, I couldn’t get too excited. What if I miscarried, what if there was something wrong with the baby, what if there was something wrong with me? I had to remind myself that most people go on to have an uneventful, successful pregnancies. I’ll be ok once I get to 12 weeks I told myself (rates of miscarriage drop dramatically at this point). Nope, as I then became worried about the scan. I’ll be ok once I know the 20 week scan is ok I thought, but even after having a reassuring scan I still worried. I’ll be ok once we reach 28 weeks (most babies born after 28 weeks generally have a good chance at surviving with minimal morbidity). But of course I still worried. I told myself we’d be ok once 36 weeks arrived (this is generally regarded as being out of the danger zone). But still I worried. What if something happened in labour? My oh my what a long 9 months!
Thankfully, my pregnancy was uneventful albeit I went in twice with reduced movements. Luckily all was ok.
I loved my growing bump. It was just how I imagined. The most magical point for me was feeling those little wriggles. It’s amazing that we can actually grow a human being inside our bodies. I did however find it strange how people began to stroke my bump though.
I definitely think that the second trimester was the best. The first I just felt fat and frumpy. Clothes began to get a little too snug and uncomfortable. I was irritable. I felt tired all the time. I know its normal but I couldn’t feel movements and I didn’t look pregnant. The third trimester, well I was just one huge waddling mass. I felt like a walrus. I got so fed up and achy. Sleep became impossible with my aching hips and I just wanted to meet her. The second trimester is when I had that ‘glow’ everyone talks about. I felt wonderful, excited and blooming.
Having been a midwife for 6 years at that point, I had been at my fair share of births. From the simple and beautiful to the very traumatic and sometimes beautiful but sometimes with not such a happy ending. What would my labour and birth be like? I tried not to have too many hopes of having a completely uncomplicated experience. But secretly I tried to really believe that I could.
One cold April day I would finally experience what so many women I had cared for had. What did mother nature have in store for me?